Who threw all the pies?

A load of pie throwers, to borrow from Rodney Marsh. He's apparently been teaching them to bowl with balls instead of pies, but that doesn't seem to have worked.

We just cave in straight away.

Well we said before the series started that England's only realistic hope was to bat first and rack up 500 or so, didn't we Robbo?

Yes - and what have they done? They've bowled first and...well, it's appalling.

I don't see the logic of it all. I mean admittedly when I've been the captain of a cricket team, I've gone and looked at the pitch and haven't known what I'm looking for.

If it looks green I think we'll bat second, if it's dry we'll have a go first - but then I'm not an international cricket captain.

Er no.> That lad Nasser should have known better. I don't know what he thought he was doing.

Right call, wrong decision Nasser

I think the Aussies have psyched us out by putting all those things in the press about Flintoff, just so we don't pick him.

So then Nasser thinks: "Aha, I'll surprise them - I'll do somehing that will definitely mean we lose the first Test".

And poor old Simon Jones?

Well, you know, there are these promising sportsmen that come along now and again and they just seem to be as frail as can be, don't they?

I think he's probably too fit. He's right on the cusp of knacking himself the whole time.

What he needs to do is smoke and drink beer. OK, he'll lose a bit of pace but he'll never get injured. It's worked for me! I've never had a serious injury.

The secret is that once you get addicted to pints and fags, you always make sure you're fit enough to have another one.

And that's all you need to be. As long as you're fit enough to lift a pint, you're all right, you're healthy.

Sound piece of advice there, Robbo. And come to think about it, I can't recall Phil Tufnell having a really serious injury so I guess that kind of proves your point.

Finally on the Ashes - and I will be speaking to you a bit later about other things - is there a way back for England after this Test?

Jones could do with a few more pints inside him

No. Not in this Test and probably not for the rest of the series.

I think they've made an absolutely shocking start.

Everyone knew that if we batted first and Trescothick and Vaughan made a decent start and put on 150 for the first wicket we'd be up and running.

As it stands now, if we put on 150 for the first wicket, we're still dead and buried.

It's an absolute mess. If England know what they're doing then I'm a monkey's uncle - which I'm not, so there.

OK, speak to you later Robbo.

Ta-ta, son.