Second Test, Riverside (day one): England 291-2 v West Indies

Essex batsmen Alastair Cook and Ravi Bopara both struck centuries as England compiled 302-2 on day one of the second Test with West Indies at the Riverside.

Cook played solidly and passed 100 with his 11th four from his 209th delivery and finished the day unbeaten on 120.

Bopara became only the fifth England batsman to score three successive Test centuries before being bowled for 108 to end a 213-run partnership.

Skipper Andrew Strauss (26) fell before lunch, caught behind off Chris Gayle.

606: DEBATE Discuss the day's play on 606

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By Tom Fordyce

CLOSE

1811: Eng 302-2
And no wonder - Jim stands tall to smash a sweet cut off the back foot for four through covers. 48 Test innings now for Jim without a duck - the record goes on and on. That's our lot - warm applause for Cook as he trots off with a big smile and wave of the bat, and it's been England's day all over.

Standing ovation for the email chat as always - carry this form into the Ashes and the Aussie text commentary boys are in for a sound thrashing. Back with you at 1030 Friday - I'm off to give my fingertips an ice-bath.

1808: Eng 298-2
The faint sound of cavemen singing drifts across the near-empty stands as Cook gets a thick outside edge through fourth slip for a controlled four. A full toss on leg stump is turned away for two more. Cook to 126, and he's happy to let Jimmy A handle the final slice from Baker.

1803: Eng 291-2
Cook angles to leg to stroll a single, exposing Jim to more clavicle music. Gutsy defence sees him through. Two overs to go.

From Freddie in Edinburgh, TMS inbox: "I am perhaps from a later generation of bats but I remember intently the difficulty of maintaining any form of smile when I opened my birthday present to reveal a Slazenger, but not the double scooped V800 or even the V600 of Mark Butcher fame, but the 'Panther', the bottom of their range and not even worthy of a number. The ridicule started due to the lack of 'vibration stopping lines' that ran down the handle, 3 being the optimum."

1754: Eng 290-2
Hold on - that's not KP, is it? With four overs to go tonight, the sensitive shrinking violet has sent Jimmy Nightwatchman in as an anderson instead. Jimmy won't be that grateful, either - Fidel suddenly finds his fire, produinng his two fastest, nastiest bouncers of the entire day. Jim wears one on his glove and another on the back of his leg (always painful; four leg byes) before gloving one just short of the tumbling Ramdin.

From David Nix, TMS inbox: "Don't forget that Duncan Fearnley was the first to introduce decent pads with the green piping around the outside. Prior to this I remember using those canvas things made by Bryan (whoever he was) offering as much protection as a mini skirt and boob tube on a night out in the Bigg Market in December."

1749: WICKET Bopara b Baker 108, Eng 282-2
Lordy - that's woken everyone up - Baker suddenly finds some late in-dip, zips one through Ravi's tired push and pings back the top of off-stump. Super delivery, to be fair, and Ravi nods at the bowler to acknowledge the skill.

1744: Eng 282-1
Cook goes tippy-toes to angle Edwards down and away for two. No-ball from Fidel again. Foil blankets now being handed out to survivors in the crowd.

1740: Eng 278-1
Baker returns. Rapid single to Ravi - Cookie making his ground with the ole dive 'n' slide - before Cook prods watchfully. Looks like the England boys on the balcony are wearing branded ski jackets. Not sure the Windies merchandising dept thought of that.

From Stuart in Leicester, TMS inbox: "My girlfriend asked the other day if she could have my old cricket jumper (Are they fashionable?). However upon returning home I have discovered that it has been adopted as the top half of a set of rather unflattering makeshift overalls as my mum paints my bedroom. Therefore does anyone have an old cricket jumper, not covered in magnolia, they are willing to donate? I could always buy her one I suppose."

1735: Eng 277-1
Gloomy delivery from Fidel - a wide no-ball that Cook creams to the cover fence. Fidel stalks back to his mark, turns and zips in - no swing yet with the cherry.

From Mal in Worcester, TMS inbox: "On the subject of DF, as a wee lad I had a giant pic of Moody, Hick and Beefy (signed by all of them) holding their bats. Hope it's still in the attic somewhere. If it is - any offers?"

1730: Eng 272-1
Simmons dibble-dobbles as one of the cavemen busts a little bump and grind in the stands. To think I'd credited R Kelly with that move. Cook moves to 115 with a tickle to leg.

From Chris in Tonbridge, TMS inbox: "Re 15.58. I had a Tusker once owned by Sandeep Patil and signed by him. Had great fun using it. Lots of red leather marks in the middle. None of them mine.2

1723: Eng 271-1
New ball, and that's a stinker first up from Fidel Edwards - a wild beamer outside off that nearly cuts Stumper Ramdin in half on its way to the fence. Pushed single from Cook, and that's the 200 partnership. What a day for Essex batsmen - there hasn't been a day like this since Paul Prichard and Ken McEwan last laid waste in the shadow of the Chelmsford multi-storey.

From Bruce Masson, TMS inbox: "Before you graduated to the 'Attack with Ian Botham' you had to have had a DF Colt (size 4 preferably). Then foolishly you abandoned DF in favour of SS and had a junior Jumbo followed by the strangely named Turbo (I think that's more synonymous as Tramp Fuel these days). More ridicule then made you sell out and get the GN Powerspot or to really show off, the Dynadrive. I've still got my 1989 vintage one and should probably donate to the Lithuanian league."

1719: Eng 265-1
I was a Rapier man myself. What a piece of willow - a 10-stripe grain, all the balance of that French bloke in Man On A Wire, as easy to pick up as Jodie Marsh. Two to leg from Bopara.

From Steve Ralph, TMS inbox: "It was ingenious of DF to produce the Magnum Polyflex Plus that essentially came in its own plastic rain mac to allow cricket in the back garden in all weather conditions."

By Pranav Soneji

1717: Eng 263-1
No let-up from Bopara, who caresses a cut through backward point for four, although a similar shot brushes the bottom edge of his bat, thudding into Ramdin's pads despite muted "catchit" cries from fielders. The keeper had no chance. Tom's back, I bid you adieu.

1714: Eng 258-1

You know that troublesome number three position? Me neither. Ravi Bopara becomes the fifth Englishman to score three successive Test centuries with an ugly off-side prod for a single off Simmons, but aesthetics matter little when it comes to scoring tons. Superb batting from the dashing right-hander, brutally graceful.

1710: Eng 257-1
Ravi Bopara adopts the Phil Hughes school of century-hitting, smashing a four, six and four straight down the track off Benn, although the final boundary is partially handled by the spinner, but the ball was hit so hard it travelled to the boundary with little let up in velocity. The fourth ball is darted into Bopara's pads and tickled around the corner for a single to move to 99. Fifteen from the over.

Rinters, TMS inbox: "Cornbeef! (see 1602) Luxury. Our Sunday team tea lady's speciality sandwich was Liver sausage and raw onion. They were always left until very last then, after a brief battle with all their senses telling them not to touch them, were scoffed by the single boys who never knew when they would next see solid food. The after-effects on their digestive systems emptied many a changing room."

Simon, revising the Grand Canyon for his geology finals in Leeds Uni Library, TMS inbox: "Graham (1651) I must leap to the defence of Pranav (1558) and suggest that if the grand canyon were to be used as an upturned mould for the back of the bat, then it would indeed produce a monumental ridge."

1702: Eng 242-1
It's nagging military medium pace with Simmons, the only saving grace being the four overs left before the second new ball is taken. Frankly, I can't wait - neither, probably, can you. One Ian Bell must be seething watching Ravi B notch run after run on this track against this attack. Time for beverages.

1658: Eng 239-1
On comes Big Benn, out go two singles.

1654: Eng 237-1
On comes Lendl Simmons, two simple singles and it's Easy Avenue in Chester-le-Street.

H in Durham, text 81111:

I recall a young (yet still carrot-topped) Paul Collingwood handing boundaries out like maundy money against our U15 side with an Excalibur-like DF Magnum. Brutal!"

Graham in PC: "Pranav - I feel I must point out your error at 15.58. A ridge on a bat cannot unfortunately resemble the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is a hole or Canyon (albeit a very large one) and not a ridge or other projecting geological feature. I fear if I did not point this out the appropriate level of pedantic comments would not be maintained on your worthy website."

1651: Eng 235-1

Ravi rotates the strike with a leg-side single off Benn, allowing his Essex brethren to notch his ninth Test hundred with a thunderous on-drive for his 11th boundary, coming off 209 deliveries. Number 12 follows from the next delivery, a ball gift wrapped short and wide outside off stump and promptly dispatched to the cover point boundary.

1648: Eng 226-1
Oh Ravi, the man has a front-foot drive almost comparable to Sachin Tendulkar. He picks up three with a Little Master-style front-foot punch, while Cook moves to 99 with a vicious cut mis-fielded by Brendan Nash at backward point. A man with a silly hat has his hands pressed for divine intervention to ensure Cook's three figures are reached without drama, although the opener has to send his partner back from half-way down the pitch after deeming a single dropped to midwicket a little too risky.

1641: Eng 219-1
Sulieman Benn, who sounds like he should be the percussionist for Santana rather than be the tallest West Indian spinner since Roger Harper, comes on for his first post-tea joust. The left-armer sends down a wide so wide, it's possibly the widest wide a spinner has bowled at Chester-le-Street. Ugly.

1637: Eng 214-1
It's all so easy for the England boys right now, picking up singles like a night out on Bigg Market. Jerome Taylor is better than this...

1632: Eng 210-1
Paul Collingwood, son of the north-east, a die-hard Mackem, is wearing gloves to keep his hands warm. Cook moves closer to his ton with a front-foot glance through midwicket for four off Lendl.

Joe Hall, TMS inbox: "I once entered a competition to win a DF Magnum, and to my great surprise, something resembling a Californian Redwood with a purple handle arrived in the post a few weeks later. With me aged only 11 and unable to handle such a monster, my Dad took ownership, and, having not played for the past decade or so, returned to action with our local club. He promptly went on to score a lifetime best of 99 in his first innings - it would've been 103 had the 12-year-old non-striker's helmet not prevented what should have been a thunderous straight four."

1629: Eng 206-1
Taylor continues around the wicket policy and sees the left-handed Cook scythe a wide delivery past backward point for four savage runs. The opener is a tad lucky not to play on fending a short delivery, but adds to Taylor's ire with a cheeky single.

1624: Eng 201-1
Intriguing shot from Bopara, who somehow manages to lose balance before stroking a beautiful leg glance through mid-on for a boundary, which also brings up the England double ton. The shot is made the more impressive as the ball swung back into his pads very late. Simmons produces a couple more wobblers well watched by Ravi.

1620: Eng 196-1
Steady over from Jerome Taylor, who looks a tad forlorn. Maybe he had a corned beef sandwich at tea. Wrong move 'Rome.

1616: Eng 194-1
Crunching front-foot drive from Ravi Bopara, who eases into a half volley outside off stump from Simmons through the covers for a four which could have been crafted by Michelangelo. If he knew what cricket was. In reference to Jon from Exeter, I remember a team-mate's Zenith split perfectly in two playing an expansive cover drive at Radlett CC. The bottom half came in handy to wedge the door in the toilets when one of my team was caught short.

1612: Eng 189-1
Perfect delivery to a left-hander from Jerome Taylor, who beats the edge of Alastair Cook's bat from around the wicket. Taylor looks like he has just seen the Euro Millions winning ticket float high into the air.

Jon, Exeter, TMS inbox: "I once had a Zenith International, with the big fluorescent 'Z' on it. Great bat, but the fact that the only England players who used one were Chris Cowdrey and Tuffers reduced the cred somewhat."

1607: Eng 187-1
Lendl Simmons and his brand of dibbly-dobblies are on, tempting the Essex duo with some floaty tasters. Ravi nibbles, checks his drive and sees his aerial drive find green expanse, much to the bowler's chagrin.

Andrew Peters via the TMS inbox: "I too was sponsored back in the day by Kookaburra thanks, again, to a letter describing my superb performances on the damp Scottish wickets. Supplied with Kookaburra Big Bird which aged 16 was one hell of a weight. The sponsorship lapsed when they asked me to provide newspaper cuttings and updated report of my continued performances. Since then I have ditched the Big Bird in favour of that fine Indian willow - The Honda Hero. Again weighs a ton and has the middle the size of a malteser."

1602: Out come the Windies, casually wandering out of the pavilion. Wonder if the England teas have a large proportion of corned beef sandwiches left untouched, like every single cricket tea I have ever encountered.

Phil, London, TMS inbox: "Still have the lesser-spotted Fearnley "VR 5 Star" in the shed. The Magnum's cheaper but more poetic cousin at the time. Curiously, the inside edge is battered but the outside doesn't have a scratch. I blame my slavish addiction to the Peter Willey stance. It gets you far too far over."

1558: While Tom goes off to saw the nearest willow tree down, the baton has been passed into my hands. Just thought I'd throw in the Symonds Tusker, so brutally used by Cuthbert Gordon Greenidge and Phil Simmons into the retrobat mix. I remember the back of the bat had a ridge the size of the Grand Canyon - I think it weighed the equivalent of an Austin Princess. Whatever happened to the Duncan Fearnley VR5 which, I believe, was waved by Allan Border in his day. And who can forget those St Peter gloves which quite easily could have been worn by Fanny Craddock as she retrieved her latest recipe from the oven.

By Tom Fordyce

TEA

1540: Eng 184-1
Gayle to take us to the break, and Cook nudges a single to break at 82. Good session for England, dismal for the tourists. Afore we go, a pic of the DF as we would all like to remember it:

From Stuart Harrad, TMS inbox: "Have just moved in to DF's ex-residence in Worcester. Afraid the nets in the back garden where Beefy reputedly once entertained the neighbours now sadly overgrown by moss. Have chopped down a veritable small thicket of trees which he was maybe using to supply raw materials."

From Simon Purnell, TMS inbox: "I had a DF 'Attack with Ian Botham' as a teenager & it had a lovely middle, had it confiscated though after one particularly deft left glance clipped the ball through the garden fence fielding at backward square leg, crashing through the next door neighbours kitchen window and landed in the sink as the washing up was being done. I then poured a little linseed oil on the raging fire when asking if the catch had been held."

1534: Eng 183-1
Ravi slides one off the face for two more. Just spotted former Newbury user Mike Gatting chatting to someone behind the stands. Very large face, Gatts - like someone's drawn an eyes, nose and beard on a beach-ball.

From Ian Harrison, TMS inbox: "Thanks to an almost entirely mendacious letter, I wangled sponsorship from The Classic Bat Company, getting all their gear half price. I guess their knowledge of youth cricket in the St Helens area was less than stellar. I remember their poster boy at the time (mid-90s) was one Marcus Trescothick. Ironically I'm having bangers and mash for tea tonight."

1531: Eng 180-1
Just spotted the identity of the beery chanters - it's the cavemen from earlier. Interest-free over from Baker pinged outside off.

From Grant Jaffrey-Smith, TMS inbox: "Ah, the Magnum; 3lbs of grunt. But after a couple of years and the bowlers getting quicker, I moved to the finesse of a 2lb 7oz GN Powerspot. From Rambo to Willow the Wisp - a golden era in bat technology."

1526: Eng 180-1
Gently-jogged singles abound. Let's have a quick look around the stands here - probably less than a quarter full, the ground. Tea in 13 minutes, pitchside temperatures plummeting as the sun slides behind a bulbous cloud.

From Charlie Turner, TMS inbox: "Our maths teacher at school used a DF Magnum in the pupil vs teacher games to dispatch anything on a length straight back over the bowler's head. We were only 14 - you know who you are Mr Bashforth."

1521: Eng 176-1
Gayle's decided to keep himself warm with a little tweak pre-tea. Cook dabs delicately behind square for two, drives clunkily for two more and then strolls a comfy single. First drunken chant in the crowd - a lacklustre three-man call-and-response effort that falters on the third line and is over by the fourth.

1517: Eng 171-1
Ooof - streaky as Erica Roe from Ravi, flicking at a quick one down leg and getting a sliver of wood on it which Ramdin, going full-length, can only get a glove-tip on. Ravi smiles provocatively back at the anguished bowler. 55 to Bopara, 73 for Cook.

From David Cunningham, TMS inbox: "I had a GN Double-scoop. Great bat. Until I crunched an off drive and the outer scoop detached itself from the rest of the bat and cartwheeled back onto the stumps. One too many scoops, I suppose."

1513: Eng 167-1
Full toss from Benn - Ravi, surprised, punts it down the ground for one. Cook then banishes the memory of the previous over's caution with a skip down the track and meaty clout past midwicket for a crowd-rousing four.

1509: Eng 162-1
Steady-Eddie from Baker; Cook keeps blade and aggression housed.

From Dave Miller, TMS inbox: "Re: Rich 1351 and Peter 1415, I am reminded of the classic Simon Day's 'Competitive Dad' sketch from the Fast Show. Well worth a watch.

1503: Eng 162-1
Wide and help-yourself from Benn, and Bopara tucks into two to deep extra cover. Benn over-corrects down leg, is touched away with delicate ease to the fine leg fence and does the stroppy tea-pot - half-century to a beaming Bopara, from 106 balls with seven fours. The England team put palm to palm on the exposed balcony.

1459: Eng 155-1
Shot of the day from Cook - a stand-up-tall creamer played late and with the timing of a Swiss watchmaker. Pitch looking as lifeless as the snatterjack.

From Danny Alderman, TMS inbox: "Re Nick Smith 13:57 - Surely everyone knows that a ball hit into the sea on the full in Beach Cricket is out, so am disappointed to note that you did not walk for that. Are you an Aussie by any chance?"

1455: Eng 150-1
Tickles and nudges off Benn - that's the 150 up, with Bop on 44 and Cookie cruising on 62.

From Alistair Day-Stirrat, TMS inbox: "Any of your readers would like to donate a 405, scoop, SS jumbo, or even a magnum, the Lithuanian Cricket Federation is desperately in need. By next week the league may have to be postponed - last Sunday 2 of only 5 cricket bats in the country broke during the first league match in the history of Lithuanian cricket."

1453: Eng 147-1
Baker to Bopara - short, and he'll take those all day, belting it through midwicket with wristy relish. Next ball is fuller and wider - steered past slip off the outside edge for four more. All the menace of Mama Moomin, the Windies attack.

1448: Eng 139-1
Bright sun overhead. No sign of the headdress-wearers - odds on them having been arrested? Another maiden from Benn - his sixth in 14 overs. An old boy in a flat cap, reminiscent of Foggy from LotSW, carries two Mr Whippee ice-creams back to his seat at the sort of pace that would normally result in total meltage; in these conditions, they're pristine.

From Nick in Bristol, TMS inbox: "I had a Nasser Hussain style Grey Nicholls, only problem was, they seemed to have made it out of his fingers - it broke in the nets during the first real work-out I gave it. I was gutted."

1442: Eng 139-1
Baker strays onto Cook's pale pads and is tapped away for a strolled one. Leg-bye as Bopara shuffles across, and one more to Cook with minimum toil. That's drinks - looks like Chris Gayle is asking for a Cup-a-soup.

From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "The Gray Nicholls scoop bat designers were simply too progressive for their time. I heard it was designed that way so that a creatively talented batsman might, when in receipt of a slow long hop, flip round the blade, catch the ball in the manner of a lacrosse player, and then sprint to the boundary, eluding fielders, before dropping the ball over the rope for six. It would still only count as one hit and would have been perfectly legal."

1436: Eng 135-1
Harmless maiden from Baker outside off. Benn follows up with more pulse-deadening twirl, only a skidding four byes down leg breaking the tedium. In the crowd, a man sporting considerable natural insulation plucks a sugared doughnut from a white cardboard box, his index finger and thumb working like fleshy tongs, his eyeballs rolling back as snack sinks home.

From Ryan Plummer, TMS inbox: "Coming from the wrong side of the tracks so to speak and with my paltry pocket money at the time I was unable to afford such luxuries as a Grahjam Hick endorsed "405" or the superior "magnum". I had to make do with the Ian Botham "Attack". The measure of it's quality is that after having used it for a season I took it upon myself to turn it into a twin scoop bat using one of my dad's chisels and a barely rudimentary knowledge of woodwork."

1432: Eng 129-1
Nice variation from Benn - a quicker one lacking loop is dug out by Bopara, and Cook has to click through the gears to get home before Chanderpaul's furious fling from cover. It's so quiet out there you can hear the hair growing on Gayle's upper lip.

From Tim Statham, TMS inbox: "Fearnley's Magnum was indeed the mightiest bludgeoning weapon of the 80's. I'm sure old Duncan felled an English willow and merely stripped off the leaves and twigs."

1429: Eng 128-1
Welcome back, Lionel Baker. Ravi is almost lured into lofting straight to Chanderpaul at midwicket, the ball dropping a foot short. He then sprints a single to compose at the non-striker's before Cook reaches out to guide a two through backward point.

From Steve Mowan, TMS inbox: "I always wanted a DF Magnum & had dropped enough hints to family members- my Uncle (god bless im) presented me with a DF bat on birthday- trouble was it was a DF Microlite- may as well have bought me a dress."

1424: Eng 125-1
If you're passing through the Durham area this afternoon and fancy putting your feet up, pop along to the Riverside - no danger of any noise disturbing your slumbers. Brief glimpse there of Andy Flower, wearing so many layers he can barely move his arms. Single to Ravi.

1419: Eng 124-1
Edwards bundles in from round the wicket, and Cook angles a little prod past gully for four - all timing and dab, that one. Another tempter outside off draws a slash, but the ball dies on the deck and and flies through under the edge.

From Neil Sumner, TMS inbox: "SS Jumbo, DF Magnum, GN Scoop. The absolute classics. I'm welling up. But remember Foxy Fowler using that Sondico number to nail a double ton in India? Where on earth did that come from?"

1415: Eng 121-1
On the England balcony, Andrew Strauss is swaddled in four layers of branded clothing and has his hands wrapped around a man-size mug of tea. Benn lands all six just shy of a length on off-peg and Ravi defends with relish.

From Peter Bartlett, TMS inbox: "Re Rich 1351: Glad to see Bournemouth beach still offers the opportunity for the confident batsmen to get the ball off the square. I had a game on the Jurassic coast last Bank Holiday. Ball spat all over the place - made my three year old look like Curtly Ambrose."

1410: Eng 121-1
Easiest of peas here for the England combo. Bopara flicks Edwards to long leg for one with Tendulkar timing before Cook leans into a wide one and wafts it out into the deep - hauled back from the fence by Smith, and that's three more.

1406: Eng 116-1
Tuck off the pads from Cook off Big Benn, and that's his half-century - his 20th in Tests. Can he now convert to the ton? Smattering of applause from the sparse crowd. Bopara gets a skinny edge down leg which flies past Ramdin for four fine. Gayle glowers at slip.

1401: Eng 108-1
Hold on - there's more of the headdress-wearers. It's like the Rio Carnival out there. Officer Eyeful is joined by another colleague. Could have their hands full, those boys. Cook drives for one to go to 47; Bopara repeats to go to 23 before Cook pulls flamboyantly to Baker on the deep square fence for one more.

From Ben Barnes, TMS inbox: "Re bat selection: I had a Gray-Nicolls Scoop, David Gower Autograph, size 6. You got a free bat cover and a piece of 'Gold Leaf' to etch your name in to the bat, nice touch."

Never convinced by the scoop, Ben. Remove a big chunk of the meat and the bat retains the same ping? Baffling.

1357: Eng 106-1
Silky smoothness from the Essex pair - an elegant tuck off the pads from Cook for three from the returning Edwards, topped by a crunching drive back down the ground for four from Bopara. There's a lady in the stands sporting a Folies Bergeres feather-heavy headdress and not a lot else. A stern-faced policeman strolls over for a quiet word - all in the course of duty, you understand.

From Nick Smith, TMS inbox: "With regards to Goochie's weapon of choice he was a DF man before he got his hands on an SS Turbo. His 196 v the Aussies at the Oval in 1985 was smashed with a DF Magnum but the SS was in his hands by the time he managed 333 at Lords in 1990. Now, of course, he has his own range of designer shoes & handbags."

1351: Eng 99-1
Free chips for Bopara as Baker fumbles his square cut on the fence and watches prone as the ball dribbles across the fence. Ravi then squirts a two off the toe of his bat, and England are cruising sans pressure.

From Rich White, TMS inbox: "DFs are very much around still, in the guise of a bat, stumps and tennis ball package all for £5 from leading high street retailers. Used it last week to hoick a straight six back over my 6 year old sons head and into the sea while on Bournemouth beach. When we eventually retrieved the ball he got me next time with a doosra - caught behind by the mrs."

1346: Eng 91-1
..and it's Benn from the other. Bopara cuts and sweeps with bright-eyed enthusiasm for a brace of twos either side of the strip. Clear blue skies now overhead, and a man in the exposed spaces beyond the deep square leg fence glances up before peeling off one of his three jumpers.

1343: Eng 86-1
I should never have started that yoghurt at 1339 - over-ambitious. Gayle to get the party started again, and Cook brushes one off his pads. Still empty seats all over the place at The Riverside.

LUNCH

1301: Eng 85-1
Super shot from Bopara, going up on his toes to punch a fast-hands four past point. Next ball up he has to jab down desperately to keep a cunning yorker from his timbers, but that's our lot - time to tuck in. Ravi will lunch on nine, Cookie on 39. Fetch yourself something tasty and we'll reconvene in 38. Have a listen to Test Match Special or join the 606 debate if you get bored in that time.

From Tom in Gothenburg, TMS inbox: "Sadly, you've also confounded your Human Niceness Test by publishing results as they came in thus influencing subsequent respondents. I don't think this one will make the BMJ."

1258: Eng 77-1
Shorter from Gayle, and Cook strokes off the back peg for two. Eight overs in the last 17 minutes, completely scuppering my chances of a dash to the traps pre lunch break. If anyone makes waterfall noises I'm in massive trouble.

From Rob in London, TMS inbox: "Had a DF Graeme Hick 405 myself. Thicker than KP's forearms and weighed more than the Ark itself. Still, it was the only bat I owned that I could square cut a maximum with."

1256: Eng 74-1
Benn lopes in, long left arm arcing through the brisk Durham air, and Bopara defends doughtily.

From Andrew Bentley, TMS inbox: "The Duncan Fearnley 405, commemorating the top score of Graeme Hick, was the weapon of choice at my primary school - never got one myself though (GM Striker). Might have a quick glance to see if there are any pristine examples knocking about on ebay (other internet based auction sites are available)."

1254: Eng 74-1
Gayle rattles through another set of six. Cook dashes a dicey one to mid-on, but dwardle from the diver sees him home.

From Alasdair, University of Manchester Library, TMS inbox: "And yet on the other hand of the 'are humans nice or not' thesis, the people who weren't telling you, were waiting until the end, when you thought you had got away for the whole day. At which point they would execute maximum pain by giving it away in the last few moments. Causing maximum pain irritation, and are therefore not 'nice'."

1252: Eng 72-1
Benn again, and Ravi slaps down on a quicker one after almost being foxed by a late loopy dipper. Short cover in now to strangle the drive, and that's a maiden.

From Toggle in Ramsgate, TMS inbox: "It would seem some discussion would be required as to the type of bean spill and by comparison its relevant merits. When last tucking into 'skinheads on a raft' I contrived to spill a bean or two down my shirt. Surely this veteran bean spillage scenario demands further investigation?"

1248: Eng 72-1
Benn and Gayle in spin-twin partnership, and they're getting through the overs in the time it takes a man to frantically check the new arrivals in the TMS inbox. Cook pokes warily and breathes a wide-eyed sigh of relief as an outside edge falls just shy of slip. gulp.

From Karthik, TMS inbox: "Given the number of emails discussing the dissertation, we could even have a dissertation on the various ideas of a dissertation - a modern day derivative in the field of research, you could say."

1245: Eng 71-1
Gayle again, and Bopara stays stern before stepping away to cut a single into the covers and move off the quacker.

From Justin Jones, TMS inbox: "Goochie was a Stuart Surridge man, you crazy fool. Gray Nichols bats were for wispy types like Gower. Duncan Fernely brings back bad memories - he was the chairman of Worcestershire who used to moan incessantly that Worcs players were not picked for England. People like Neal Radford. Now whatever happened to the proud Nottingham bat makers Gunn and Moore?"

1241: Eng 70-1
Just having another look at the Strauss send-off - the ball may have brushed his glove before thwicking onto the edge of his back pad, but it's as controversial as goats' cheese ice-cream. Sulieman Benn on for a twirl; Cook defends as his new partner Ravi Bopara bounces and down at the other end.

From Steve B, The City, TMS inbox: "Think the cavemen were already out of character with the headband - Captain Caveman would never apply self grooming techniques such as tying his hair back."

Certainly a touch of Xanadu about it all, Steve.

1234: WICKET Strauss c Ramdin b Gayle 26, Eng 69-1
Ah, the sweet kiss of revenge... Strauss tries to sweep a ball that's too close to him, there's a noise from something and Ramdin hangs on behind the timbers at the second attempt - Gayle waves a languid digit at the umpire, and it's given! Strauss doesn't want to go, but he's got no choice - and if Gayle doesn't care about Test cricket, he's doing a good job of hiding it...

1234: Eng 65-0
Whooah - Cook pushes out at Baker's in-dipper, gets a skinny inside edge and looks back disbelievingly as the ball appears to pass clean through his timbers on the way to the fine leg fence. But that's more like it a ball later, a meaty drive between point and cover for his fifth four.

1230: Eng 51-0
Who said Gayle didn't fancy this? He's bringing himself on for some pre-lunch tweak. Strauss prods forward and lets the ball die a death on pad and blade.

1223: Eng 50-0
Nice slap past a backwards-dashing cover by Cook, and that's England to fifty. An unnecessary statement, given the score immediately above this sentence. Large group of schoolchildren in the stand also inhabited by the baguette-eating cavemen. One lad, concentration level wavering, wobbles the '4' sign he's been given in the style of Rolf Harris and draws a punch on the arm from the chap next to him.

From Tim Bryans, TMS inbox: "I also think that Apprentice-Gate is quite an interesting phenomenon. How would these people react for example if you say to them that under no circumstances you are to be sent any Florentine buns as you have a nut allergy. How far would these people go to satisfy their desire for spreading bad will?"

1218: Eng 45-0
Baker keeps the heat on Cook. There's a woman in the crowd who looks like Alex Higgins - an unusual choice of styling, and not something I've seen before. Women who look like Joe Johnson far more frequently spotted, in my experience.

From Simon, TMS inbox: "Fordyce, I'm in a dilemma. Yesterday was my birthday and in true British style I went out last night and got absolutely plastered. Subsequently I turned up to work an hour and twenty minutes late this morning, while still feeling the side effects of a night on the ale. Should I stick around late this evening to compensate, even though all my colleagues know I'm completely useless to anyone today, or is it more commendable to declare I'll make up the time on an occasion when I'll be infinitely more productive?"

1213: Eng 44-0
Strauss steps forward and withdraws from four successive Taylor tempters before waiting for a leggish one and flicking it with steel hawser wrists through midwicket for his third four of the day. 21 now for Strauss, 15 to Cook.

From Karl, West Midlands, TMS inbox: "As Henry correctly pointed out (see 11:45), not everyone who has emailed would know who was fired. But you should also factor in that not everyone who emailed with a 'bad' response would have known this knowledge initially; many may have gone out of their way to research such information specifically to cause you distress. This, in my opinion, would paint a much darker picture of the human race than if all 'bad' responses were just a case of people being very poor at keeping things to themselves."

1207: Eng 40-0
Nice again from Cook - he steps into Baker's tempter and drills him through cover for four more. But he's lucky there, edging streakily past gully's clutching fingers for four more. Baker goes wider and the ball dies again - four more, byes this time, as Ramdin's venus fly-catchers fail to snag the cherry.

1202: Eng 31-0
Crunch - Cook leans into a fullish one from Taylor and creams it between non-striker's stumps and mid-on for the sweetest four of the day. Taylor again, and - ooof - the ball shoots straight along the ground to Ramdin. You wouldn't want to bat last on this strip. Cook pushes uncertainly at a straighter one and is a coat of linseed away from a trudge back to the pavilion. Both batsmen out there using Gray-Nicholls bats. Was always more of a Duncan Fearnley man myself - I blame Goochie, King Viv and Both. Where have all the DFs gone? Not seen one for years. Drinks.

From Andy in Bristol, TMS inbox: "For the 'Are humans nice or not?' thesis, you may also need to consider an assessment of 'niceness'. Perhaps some of those giving you the answer had decided that it was actually in your best interests to know (even though you thought otherwise) ... and thus they were in fact being nice by telling you."

1157: Eng 27-0
TSSSO Lionel Baker it is. Strauss has time to step back to a leggish one and tickle it fine for two - super sliding stop on the fence from Jerome Taylor. In the crowd, three men dressed as cavemen in leopard-skin robes and headbands go badly out of character by tucking into prawn mayo baguettes.

From Jonnie (very bored) in London, TMS inbox: "On the subject of the dissertation. The focus could be to examine the difference between metaphorical bean spillers (Apprentice spoilers) and literal bean spillers (KP jelly bean spilling vs India 2007). Could make an interesting research document into the difference between the mental and physical aspects of bean spilling."

1152: Eng 24-0
Is Fidel wearing sunglasses at fine leg? That calls for another sun graphic, surely. Dab through point for two from the cautious Cook. Looks like the smooth soul sound of Lionel Baker is warming his pipes for a wobble at the other end.

1148: Eng 22-0
Edwards tries a bouncer, but that's slow and loopy and no danger whatsoever to the Strauss snout. He tries another, and Strauss, forewarned, leans back to batter a pull through midwicket for a crowd-rousing four. No pace at all in the wicket - it looks flatter than a relief map of the Maldives.

From David, TMS inbox: "Re: your response to Phil at 11.06 - I'm intrigued by the psychology of the 40 or so people who have continued to tell you about The Apprentice after your announcement that the surprise has already been ruined. Do they think you will continue to be surprised when you re-read the news, or are they all just sticking the boot in now?"

1145: Eng 18-0
It's so quiet out there that you can hear the faint sloughing of the shine coming off the ball. Two slips and two gullies in for Cook as Taylor tries to tempt him into a foot-nailed drive, but he keeps his aggression housed.

From Henry in Twickenham, TMS inbox: "With regard to the niceness of the Human Race dissertation, more info is needed for commenting on ratios. You claim 40% bad 60% good. my question would be what %age of the good do not know who was voted out and so therefore cannot tell you. Once this figure is found you may find that of people with the pre-requisite knowledge the ration becomes 60:40 the other way - or worse."

1140: Eng 18-0
The skiddy Fiddy again, and Strauss dinks one off his legs at pace but finds the long barrier of Nash at square leg. That one gets past him, however, and that's two more to Skip. Strauss's body-language? Relaxed but watchful. Gayle simmers at slip.

1135: Eng 16-0
Right - let's have a look at Chris Gayle's enthusiasm levels. Hands are in pockets, chin is on chest, cap is pulled low over brow. It's hardly Timmy Mallet. Cook angles a push wide of gully for a unglamorous four.

From Sam Taylor, TMS inbox: "This is one of the few days where I'd rather be cosied up in my nice warm office, drinking vending machine cup-a-soup, than sat out watching test cricket. What madness is this?"

1130: Eng 12-0
Ah, that's nice from Skipper - a thunking cover drive that bisects a pair of motionless fielders. There's a man in the crowd with a mop on his head. He's sawed the handle off about six inches above the stringy bit and is now wearing the remainder as a hat. Good man.

1125:Eng 8-0
Taylor picking up some better pace now. Cook shuffles across and then flicks his bat flamboyantly away from a tempter before nudging a single to gully, and then Strauss mis-times a drive into the covers for two more. Not the greatest atmos at the Riverside at the mo. On the England balcony, Stuart Broad is sipping a coffee from a narrow cappuccino mug while wearing red gloves. Let's hope Boycott doesn't spot that particular scene.

From Carole in Maidenhead, TMS inbox: "The dissertation must surely consider the weaknesses of the bean-spillers? They have been manipulated into dropping said vegetables by the very request not to do so. You are actually controlling them, Tom."

1117:Eng 5-0
Ironic hoot from the livelier members of the crowd as Cook collects the first run off the bat with a prod into the covers. Strauss crashes a sweet cut off the back foot but is denied a boundary-slapper by a fine diving stop in the gully. Definite blue sky overhead, certain shadows. Strauss squirts one to square leg off the inside edge and that's him off the mark too.

From Liam in Cambridge, TMS inbox: "What's the likelihood of an England batsman scoring a century, then revealing the name of the fired Apprentice printed on his undershirt as part of the celebration?"

1112:Eng 2-0
Not the greatest start from the Windies, this - more wide leave-alone-at-leisure Taylor. But there's the inevitable contradictor - a ripper just outside off that has Strauss jousting nervously. Sarwan, parked under a lid at short leg, offers the England captain some kindly words of advice.

1106:Eng 2-0
Is that blue-ish sky up there? And is that the vague outline of a shadow cantering in with Fidel Edwards? Ropey old over, this - military medium miles outside off, and 12 balls have now gone by without either batsman having to lay wood on leather. A no-ball from Fiddy gives us a bonus ball and Cook - at last - defends with blade.

From Phil in Henlow, TMS inbox: "What you need is for us all to submit of fake 'news items' about who got fired last night: that way if someone lets the truth slip you simply won't know. I am happy to start orchestrating a campaign for you."

Lovely idea, Phil, but we'd need to work quickly. Total number of emails now party-pooping: 43. Pursing of lips, shake of head.

1103: Eng 1-0
Jerome Taylor to Strauss, a meagre crowd wrapped up in blankets and thermal sleeping-bags. The first ball dies on the pitch and goes through to Stumper Ramdin second bounce - uh-oh. The second travels through outside off a little better and the next booms away for a big wide. On the England balcony, Kevin Pietersen throws his head back and laughs uproariously at a joke being told by a chortling Ryan Sidebottom.

1055: Here come the Windies fielders - and, cold on their heels, Strauss and Cook. Ratio of bean-spilling to non bean-spilling emails so far: 40-60. Human race thus revealed to be marginally nicer than it is horrible. Could be a dissertation in this.

1050: Well, that didn't last long. Three of the first five emails into the TMS inbox have revealed the name of the be-fired one. So much for my faith in human nature. You know who you are, and you should be ashamed. Sniff.

1045: Pitch update: it's looking surprisingly light and hard. Could actually be a decent track to bat on. Up overhead the sky is the colour of tarmac. Hmmm.

1040: Might need some sort of dissuader in place here. How about this no-nonsense rule: anyone who spills the beans faces an instant lifetime ban from all BBC live text. Admittedly it's not within my powers to enforce such a ruling, but we'll cross that bridge when we have to.

1035: Right - I'm not going to beat around the bush: I missed The Apprentice last night, so I intend to watch it on iPlayer this evening. For that plan to work, I need to avoid any mention anywhere of who got the old heave-ho from Surallun. So far I've steered clear of the front-end of all morning papers and the non-sport section of any websites, and avoided the danger of chitter-chatter on the way in by taking the bicycle. The big danger now, of course, comes from the 1,000 emails that'll come in over the course of today's play. Is it possible for not a single correspondent to spill the beans? Or is human nature such that someone, some varmit, will succumb?

1030: Morning - all well? First news from a dark and gloomy Durham: we'll start on time. And the second slice of news: England win the toss at the Riverside and decide to bat. This from Skipper Strauss: "We think it might deteriorate, so we want to get in first and get a big score on the board.

Chris Gayle looks as enthusiastic as a chicken heading for the chopping-board. "There's a lot that's been said, but the focus is now on the match," he says. "We're sticking with the same team, showing the confidence in them to go out there and get the result."

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