NOT presenting the Brits... Flat Eric

A spokesman for The Brits explains: "There was discussion taking place for the monkey to host a separate programme set backstage at the Brits but due to ITC regulations there's absolutely no way he can host the show."

It is also revealed that Roland Rat will NOT be involved.

And neither, Planet Tabloid can add, will Flat Eric, Zippy from Rainbow, the Honey Monster or any of the Clangers or the Tetley Tea Folk (see below).

But non-Monkey Frank Skinner will be involved, it is confirmed.

Hot news from the Daily Star

I WAS DOLLY PARTON'S SEX TOY AGED 13- see page five.

That was the front page headline carried by the Daily Star on 25 January.

Also not presenting The Brits... Dolly Parton

Yeah, but is this news?

The action took place in 1970.

Psychological Survey of the Week

The way in which a person drinks a cup of tea is the best guide to understanding the type of personality they have we are assured by The Sun.

The news is based on research published by our old friends the "top psychologists".

"Watching how your work pals drink a cuppa is the best way of getting to know them," the paper continues.

Personality types include "the weak boss" - the sort of person who always holds their cup with both hands and looks nervous when drinking.

Then there is "captain confidence" - a different sort altogether.

I'm no mug - politician Keith Vaz enters psychological minefield

When slurping tea they "lean forward with cup to chin, relaxed, smiling and make eye contact".

The example given is, of all people, Kate Moss.

Kate Moss is a celebrated coffee-drinker and is thought by some never to partake of tea.

Perhaps this is why Kate Moss is also NOT presenting the Brit Awards this year.

More Tea News

...also from The Sun.

TV advert cartoon characters The Tetley Tea Folk are "packing their bags for the last time after 30 years at the top".

Also - though this is not mentioned by the Sun for some reason - they are NOT presenting the Brit Awards this year.

It is good that the cloth-capped Tea Folk have retired, since they looked about 70 years old when they first started in 1970 (when Dolly Parton was in her prime (see above)).

Meanwhile it is explained by a top expert that "the tea market is crying out for some passion and a new lease of life".

Mini-Elephant News

A new craze in collecting pet "mini-elephants" is sweeping California, if the US supermarket tabloid the Weekly World News is to be believed.

The ideal household pet

The elephants have been created by "DNA scientists from the former Soviet Union", weigh one ounce and are only a few inches tall.

"They're so cute and cuddly," an LA homemaker told the paper.

"My boy loves playing with them in the bathtub."

The scientists spawned the first mini-elephant by removing the "size" gene from the embryo of an African elephant - which weighs five tons - and splicing in one from a field mouse, the paper explains.

"One elephant can give birth to 1,000 mini-elephants at a pop," says inventor Dr Muskovic.